Complicated Feeling

It’s been a week I didn’t enter a new n3… Today, I wanna ryte again but sorry if I used junk English (not proper spelling and grammar). Yesterday, I just finish my Objective Subjective Clinical Exam for Obstetrics and Gynaecology (O&G) or known as OSCE - though there is not a single objective question….huhuhu. Da day before, I got da theory for O&G n my first exam was Surgery theory paper. Well, it’s not 100% theory because it question based on da clinical situation n some clinical practices that we performed during da posting. There’s no wrong about da exam question coz we’re in our clinical yr. So, da question should b related n asked in a clinical situation we had been faced at ward or clinic or endoscopy room. It’s really helpful for those who really spending their time in hospital everyday during da posting.

About the exam….how should I say??? It’s not difficult. Yet, I still can’t answer it n it looks difficult to me…hurmm, may b I’m not well prepared. But questions r straight to da point n still I’m confuse. Shamed on me. And most depressing to me was yesterday OSCE…my examiner for clinical n history taking exam was among da most feared examiner… I realized da mistakes I’ve done, but…I hoped they didn’t failed me and I bet, nobody wanna fail in their exams, ryte? It just a simple clinical exam, yet I didn’t manage to do it well. Sometime, there’s a thought that cross my mind “The doctor can failed u coz you didn’t it well”. But then, I yelled out from my heart, “No…no… I don’t wanna fail”. Then comes the ‘naughty’ thought again “You deserved to fail n da doctor wasn’t wrong to fail u. U didn’t study enough, that’s y u deserve to failed”. And that’s make me depressed n sad n…hurgh, I don’t know how to describe it, but it just that I felt uncomfortable deep inside my heart.

At times like this I really hoped for His blessing, His forgiveness n His Graciousness. That’s the time I would hardly pray to him, “O’ Allah, please don’t make me fail. Please grant me Your bless n lend me Your Victory. O’ Allah, the creator of all the living things in the land and the skies above, forgive me for what have I done. Bless me, give me Your guidance n always keep me in Your path, in Islam with the ‘Iman’ in my heart, O’ Allah”. At the time these, I really felt small and guilt in front of Allah. How He always blesses me with all I have in my life today. Yet, still I’m not truly following all His commands. And still I’m asked Him to grant me more n more wishes. Oh, how ungrateful I’m. “O’ Allah, please blemish my heart from the fault I’ve done before. Only You could give the forgiveness and peace to the heart of Your lovers. And Allah, please grant all my Doa, my mom’s Doa, my dad’s Doa and not forget, my friends and teachers’ Doa”. And to myself, there something I should do n change to be better person. May b it’s not hard to change…some people think does, but there’s a few things that restrain me from change. Time over time, I’ll change to b better person. That’s my promised to myself. (^_^)

~~didn't manage to upload it earlier b4 da OSCE O&G post-mortem